We Are Stupid – Episode 66

Some people know all of the rules to the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game, but many, many more do not. Here’s a list of the things we screwed up in our never-ending search for Pathfinder perfection…

Anyone surprised that we cheated in the very first action of the epic battle against the villain we’ve been leading up to for over 40 episodes? I know I’m not. As the resident pain-in-the-ass rules lawyer, I knew we were getting away with too much lately. It has been seven weeks since we managed to squeak one by our sub par, mathematically challenged, minor league rules goalie Troy Lavallee. He was due to get burned, and not just once.

Where did we go wrong? Well, let’s start this investigation with the murder weapon:

Barron’s double-barreled pistol is a finely crafted work of dwarven art. Using the blueprints passed down to him from his adoptive parents (ooof…too soon?), Barron managed to craft a pistol that can fire two rounds in one action. That’s right folks, two attacks, one standard action. “But, Joe,” you say, “every class on Golarion is subject to the limits of using a Full Attack Action if they want to make more than one attack in a round. Even a monk’s Flurry of Blows, the fastest melee attack in the West, takes a Full Attack Action to execute!” Well, partner, you’d be wrong. You’re forgetting that the Gunslinger is in a class all by itself.

Barron can, in fact, fire two bullets in one standard action when using this pistol. However, Grant threw the rule book out the window and, taking advantage Troy’s pitifully inadequate knowledge of modern firearms in fantasy campaigns, managed to not only take his shots one at a time, but without taking a penalty to the roll on either attack.

The rules of firing a double-barreled pistol are as follows: you can of course fire both bullets as a standard action (very cool). However, this comes with a cost. You must announce before the attack that you’re pulling both triggers. Grant rolled to hit, confirmed a successful hit, then decided to pull the second trigger. It doesn’t work that way. You announce your intention to pull both triggers at the start of your turn, then pull both. Your two shots are two separate rolls, but they must target the same creature or object. Also, according to the rules, “firing this way makes the weapon wildly inaccurate, imparting a -4 penalty to each shot.” Therefore, Barron would need to announce his intention to pull both triggers at the beginning of the round and take a -4 to hit on both attacks.

Grant, on fire from his first two goals against Troy, must have been itching for a hat trick. Once he had laid out devastating damage to the dire wolves, he turned his attention to Grenseldek and fumbled (Noooooo!) gaining the sickened condition for four rounds (I can only assume he was sickened with guilt for breaking the rules). In the following rounds, he forgot to subtract the stacking penalties of -2 for the Curse of Melancholyand the -2 for the sickened condition. His shots against Grenseldek, with Ingrahild and Lorc in melee with her should have taken a cumulative -8, before factoring in soft cover from shooting through friendly squares, and his damage should have take a -4 off of each shot as well.

Well, if Grant’s hat trick of cheats will even give us a chance to survive this fight next week (and by us, I mean Lorc, Barron, Beary, and Della, since Gelabrous is 100% dead), then I’d say it was well worth it, because no one wants to listen to episodes of some self-pitying woman whining about the one that got away.

Oh, and here’s a little one that I found while listening back: Lorc swung at one of the dire wolf companions of Grenseldek, rolled a 14, and Troy told me it was a miss. Then, only a round or two later, Beary rolled a 14 to hit a wolf, and it was a hit! What the hell, man? I think Troy’s favored enemy is LORC.

Just had to mention that at one point during this episode I was recorded using the phrase, “definitely definitive” in a sentence. Is that stupid? It sounds stupid, but I think it might be acceptable. Chew on that for a minute.

Thanks for your time.


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